I hung the dress on my closet door, sometimes putting my hand across its soft whiteness, sometimes taking a nostalgic sniff of scents long gone. Today, I put it away. Zipped it up in the black bag, said a silent goodbye, and told myself that sometimes in life, we just don't get what we want. It's not as simple as splurging on the shiny new phone, or finding excuses to buy another black dress... some things are out of our reach despite all efforts and determination. I must be getting old, because I've been telling myself that a lot, each time sounding more true.

And then to be fair to myself, life moves on. I can't guarantee I won't look back. But I dare say that each time, I will remember all the trials and error, enough to turn me back around.

My first test only two weeks away... I'm nervous. I won't focus on the two hour nap I just woke up from, or the fact that I'm blogging and not studying... I'll just publish this and go right back to Streptococcus...

I told Linda to be patient, I told Thuy to be patient, and now, I'm telling myself to be patient. But at what point does patience become cowardance... an excuse to justify a standstill... I wonder...

Sunday, again! Tomorrow is the official three-week mark before round #1. I'm nervous.

Never, in a million years, did I think I would hear Shanghainess echoing down my hall way, slipping into my little apartment! I heard it all summer, a world away. I hope those people walk by my door often, and deliver me a daily dosage of home.

I'm addicted to material possessions! I can't stop. Should I exchange my Sprint phone for something cheap or dish out 80 bucks for a beautiful new phone?! This new phone would only last me two years anyway... but if it's the ever so popular Kantana, it would me happy every time I see it (at least for the first week). If only it could deliver a couple of long-waited calls!

So here goes my Saturday... with only one noteset accomplished. I'm about to go running around the park with my little buddy. My first Ultimate Frisbee experience last week reminded me of how much fun it was to sweat outside. It's been so long since I ran outside... dating back to the outer loop with Maria! Remember those days???

Change of subject --
A bubble for two; that is what I have found. Sadly, one cannot solidify a bubble... no padding, strengthening, thickening allowed. It is ever so fragile, so delicate, so unstable, and yet I have put in so much, too much, of myself into it. On Friday, this bubble almost lifted off the ground, and I was reminded of how far it could go. But the moment ended with no lift-off, because I fear that like all bubbles, it would burst with distance.

When did it all begin? He was waiting for the bus, standing so closely to the curb. I was either coming or going, but noticed him along the way. And that could have been it... except it wasn't. He stayed close, but ever so far. He put his arms around me, but alwasy kept his distance. There were words, but no truth. I stepped out of his world, further away. Years elapsed. And that could have been it... except it wasn't. Life happened, everyday. A million people passed by, everyday. I pushed thoughts of him aside, everyday.

I'm willing myself to admit it, maybe I am lonely. But I must also will myself to become stronger, just in case the long road ahead gets even worse. Just last night, the short distance I traveled, by myself, as my friend pauses to wait for her significant other, is quite symbolic. She timidly asked to me wait with her, wiggling in fear that I should... It's those times I wish I had someone of my own to wait for, to count on. But I mustn't look for distractions, for substitutions, for second hand affection. I must face the emptiness head on.

退一步，海阔天空。

There must be no shame or regret associated with something so beautiful. I put my best foot forward, literally. If it isn't well-received, that is no fault of my own. That time, that place, that person... it's all apart of something bigger than I could over-step. I sought confirmation, proof, concrete words... when what I really needed is simple action, sadly absent. So... I'm trying, trying, trying... to step back, to move on. To let 缘份 do its thing... one more time.

That is not to say I will remain idle... This is my life, after all.

My first pair of Aldo, just to make Thuy proud. Actually, she couldn't have talked me out of it... there is something timeless about short heels that those 3-inches, no matter how glamorous, just can't compare.

When other people are busy looking for someone trustworthy and dependable, I wasted all my time searching for the feeling, the spark... and what have I ended up with? A few transient moments of breathlessness for an infinity of anguish and pain. While life is a roller coaster of ups and downs, is it not better to trot more leveled ground... especially as we get older, and our hearts get weaker.

It is only the third week of school, and already I feel battled and worn. I suppose if it must go down some time, it is better to put up that white flag in the beginning, where there is still time to recover, re-group, and find a brave face. This too shall pass, right???

It is not a tragedy yet, for thankgoodness, I'm still young. There is no need to right past wrongs, but time enough to learn from my mistakes.

Follow up blog --

Is the truth staring me in the eye, but I refuse to see it? I have acquired a few more memories, a few more decorations for the lonely corner of my imagination. But reality is no better... Everyone tells me to be patient... Fine!

Certain steps, once taken, can never be re-traced. For better or worse, I will not be the same. 2:55 pm, here I am... In a couple of hours, my heart will be somewhere completely different. I hope there is excitement and understanding, and communication (or one of those silences dripping with words)... But just in case I get that familiar sensation of a sinking heart, I hope I can summon some strength. It will be a noisy night, and those can be the most lonesome of all.