Oh the guilt, knowing my friends still click on that hopeless "tian's blog" link. But girls, nothing interesting is happening in my life, at all! I know people have always said that the life of a medical student consisted of eating, sleeping, and studying ... but they didn't mention how little of the first two and how much of the latter... Let me tell you!

Surprisingly, now that Christmas vacation is here, I find that I have no problem relapsing into the job-less, work-less, study-less lazy days. The only vestige of med school was when I woke up this morning, wondering what happened to the sun, confirming that the so-called biological clock is no myth.

I set off to Las Vegas tomorrow! My parents and I are going to celebrate Christmas Vegas style. I used all my travel channel, food channel, and google resources to come up with places to eat and things to see. I am going to take a million pictures!

Today is the day --
I found the PERFECT boots! yes... it finally happened!
My mom foudn the perfect purse!
I found the perfect skirt!
Galleria got Anthropologie! Thus the perfect purse and perfect skirt.

Oh... see how trivial? At least I'm blogging, right? :)

The rain outside is subsiding, and I am one hour and thirty minutes behind schedule. Daisy is licking herself and mewing at the door... I looked, there are no boy cats outside. Life is warm and dry, two very important things on this cold, dark night.

When I was school-less for three weeks and my friend was busy taking tests, I found myself envious -- to have a school to go to, to have tests to stress over, to have a pressing goal giving pressure and urgency to every hour of every day! Ahhhh... what privilege!

Now that my own block tests are coming up, it's time to remind myself of that feeling once again.

Seven hours in CC's?! It's time to leave! Dinner reunion with my New Orleans hall buddies, with whom I ate dinner together almost every single night, in our stove-less floor kitchen, for three weeks. Ahhh... forgot my camera!

With the curtains Michelle's mom made, I now have "not just a space, but a room!"

A man in CC’s said – not enough hours in the day to get it all done. I think he was talking about chopping down trees in Canada, but how nicely it fits with my forever catch-up game in med school. I try not to play favorites between my subjects, no more let’s ignore this because it’s not important (or I’ll never use it). It’s all important; I will use it all (someday).

No cruise boat living for me. Now that I typed this “out loud”, it is instinctively followed by a mental “thank God!”… I didn’t even realize I felt so strongly about staying on land. I think it is about settling down, putting away the suitcase once and for all. Enough unknowns and anticipations for the year. With school underway, I just can’t spend all day worrying whether there is enough room to turn around in my cabin, who will be my roommate(s), will the boat entryway be wide enough for everyone to swarm through in case of emergency.

My friend, whose place I am sharing now, and the exact timing during which she offered it to me, is a perfect example of how sometimes in life, people get more than they deserve. Don’t let my picture belie the image of a make-do room; it was a home I intruded into, and I can only hope to make myself apart of it in the weeks/months to come. My roommates won’t have their spacious dining room back for awhile, and when they come home at night, because I am studying or sleeping steps away, they no longer turn on the TV… These little things in their lives that I disrupted. Perhaps one day, I can repay this favor.

I just downloaded a couple of really good songs, and thought of my friend. So I logged on AIM to see if she is there, whether I can IM the songs to her. She isn’t. Then I thought about writing her an email, but a better idea yet to immortalize how much I miss her by putting it in my blog. I miss her a lot, not all the time, but sometimes, especially when a heartbreaking Chinese song comes on. What is wrong with living in the past anyways, everything is so bittersweet... tangy in its lingering aftertaste.

Years from now, when people mention the catastrophic aftermath of Katrina and Rita, I will remember exactly where I was and what I was thinking. This is my time. Mistakenly, I try to examine these events in context of me -- why did this happen to me, what does it mean for me, what is fate trying to tell me. How horridly selfish -- people were not made to suffer for my personal revelations.

More cruise details! The thing with being on a cruise boat for a couple of months (debating on when NO recovers, which by the looks of Rita, is looking bleak) is that I'm afraid I'll NEVER want to set foot on a cruise again! So no Alaska cruise with parents or reunion cruise with my mafia (plus XY!). The boat can house up to a thousand and according to the latest update, they will be able to provide breakfast and dinner for the students. These will not be four course meals plus sushi snack, but it will be food... which I can even forgo if they just give me medical school back! I will take pictures (of course!).

Because of Rita, I will be in Shreveport until Sunday-ish. School starts on Tuesday (on schedule) in Baton Rouge and unless Rita goes crazy, I will be there!

I WILL be a medical student once more!

http://www.silja.fi/BULLETINS/?tiedote_id=107

Can you believe it? Looks like I'm going to be back on a ship much earlier than planned... and under a completely different context!

How about a reunion? :)

exclamation! A blazer of soft plaid, fine wool; pleated sleeves, boldly gathered, unabashedly feminine. A look at the price and the rest of my exclamation comes out in a sigh, a bit too loud. After that, it's hard to be interested in a blue top that my mom liked. My heart wasn't in it.

24 hour recovery, back I go. This time, a perfect outfit (on sale!) in Black and White. The store always reminds me of Maria. Was it freshman or sophomore year that I went with her for the first time? I tried on a black dress with some complicated layering going on, the "feminized" salesman told me I'm between sizes. We went to A Thousand Villages afterwards and I ate an animal cracker. Sooo long ago.

Partial confirmation of housing in Baton Rouge. I only have one hope - my own bedroom! No kitchen, fine! No living room, fine! No bathroom, NOT fine! Okay, two hopes.

I realize how odd this is, my blog about shopping and clothes! Not to be cliche, but I would much much rather be in school, deep in brachial plexus or wherever we have progressed to. I have more faith, though. With each passing day, I think, it will be okay.

Dinner altercation. I don't take criticism well, at all. When my dad criticized first the lack of salt/flavor in my soup, then that I gave him too much rice, I actually teared up! I blame him, of course. He could have said it better, used less accent on all the hurtful words... but still, the event did not warrant tears.

Still unsure about housing in BR. BUT, it seems my Thanksgiving break will be as previously scheduled. My Christmas break will be cut short. That is okay with me.

by the lake

through the wookds

Looks like a Chinese water painting

Picture of the day -- morning walk by the Creve Coeur Park. It's six miles long trail of walkers, joggers, baby strollers, roller bladders, bikers, and just really fit people... The trail centers around a beautiful lake. Is St. Louis the Biking City? It should be. The tricky part is, when you get really tired by the 3rd mile, what's the point of turning back?

A super fabulous dinner by mom. Sitting by the dinner table, I felt like I'm in a restaurant and ordered way too much food. Perhaps I should just take this unexpected family time and be thankful. So what if this is September?

Update on Baton Rouge. Housing is still iffy. They keep promising us housing, but never specific as to its actual form. The last time I heard, it could possibly be... a cruise ship??? I suppose we could all sail be back to NO when the time comes. Seriously though, hats off (way off) to the people in BR, who are working around the clock to make things happen. So far, school still starts on the 26th, I'm still flying away from St. Louis on the 21st, and Michelle is still generous enough to let me stay in her apartment for the semester. I wish I could get through the phone line to my friends in BR...

My parents and I bought home eight honeydews today from Sam's Club. Eight. What started off as a "fruit-phase" elaborated into a life style. I would like to think I affected my parents too, now they can't finish off the week without a truck full of fruits. It's step one of my "my-parents-will-live-forever" plan...

Here is a picture of the six honeydews from last week. ALL gone now... :)

Once a decision is made, life operates on auto-pilot once more. Fights with mom, more fights with mom... actually that's just now.

Transporter 2 -- how is that a B+ movie? How do you inject antidote inside a person then use it to cure other people? Who are the writers?! Sorry for ruining the ending for you...

If I had one year to work anywhere, I would move to Chicago and work for my hero! I would do anything she wanted me to, but end the year with a T-shirt that said -- I worked for *****.

My parents are moving into their new house in two weeks... oh the stress.

I'm moving to BR in two weeks... oh the stress.

I returned a million phone calls yesterday... okay, more like 5... But the point is that I'm horrible with returning phone calls, but I did, because I appreciate all my friends so very much. I appreciate their messages, their emails, their blog comments, their never giving up on me even though I'm perpetually going temporarily MIA for no reason at all. I'm getting back into the groove of things today -- namely, studying. I have anatomy spread all over my dining room table, and somehow, that gives me a sense of normalcy and control amidst ALL these insanity. I love you, friends! I miss you, New Orleans.

I hope your life never changes as unexpectly and fast as mine did. Last Saturday morning, I packed my fresh laundry (still warm) into my suitcase to leave New Orleans, thinking my ciy would escape Katrina unscathed like all the years before. My suite-mate of three weeks advised me to take the big suitcase, and so I left New Orleans... with the fridge full of yogurt, my first carton of Lite orange juice still unopenned, Sashi's lamb leftover from the night before. I didn't close the door to my closet, I left Linda's pink coat hanging on the door, the fallen lanterns a pile by my bed...

I-10

I-10

View out of my 9th floor window

City Hall

Sheraton's on Canal

Street Scene

Canal Street

Going to Canal

Cafe Du Mont

French Quarter 2

French Quarter

Street Car

New Orleans

My thoughts are with the super tall man from Camellia's, who bent over the small restaurant counter to serve hamburgers and refill drinks. They are with Dr. McCluggage, did he save all his golf shoes and bow ties? They also skim but dare not pause on the "good folks" in the Superdome... Every time I ask what I did to deserve not having a medical school in NO, a firm voice says -- What about them?

It is uncertain and my thoughts are scattered. I have a million imaginary options but only one plan of action -- read and wait.

As a recent Food Network aficionado, I felt shamefully guilty upon reading MSN.com article about blog-trashing Rachel Ray. What was my own reason for disliking her in the first place? She is young, successful, cute, and perky. Sometimes her youth undermines experience, success implies snootiness, and that trademark perkiness seems all too fake. But who gave me the right to judge who is genuine anyways? How could I, who worries constantly that bubbliness may be mistaken for insincerity, so heartlessly accuse a fellow "bubbler" of being fake. Maybe it's just jealousy over her too-good-to-be-true "$40 A Day" gig that makes me think: I can do it too! I can't -- I get nervous making rice.

I have nailed down the date to arrive at New Orleans -- Aug. 1st, and called ahead to confirm. Only two weeks left in this new city that feels more like a vacation home than a permanent residence. I think the next time I come back will be Christmas. By then, my house will be done and bye-bye to this cozy little apt. I will miss it. Too many transition abodes in my life. Yet, it's still too soon in my life to settle down.

It's good to be young... or is it?

I have been trying to gather my friends like a fistful of yarn, loose ends everywhere. I read their blogs and swallow the selfish fear that their new presents leave no room for remembrances. I suppose, as Julia Roberts said in My Bestfriend's Wedding... with all the partings and gatherings, gatherings and more partings, "the world is just as it should be ".

Moving, leaving people behind, staring at the telephone, rethinking... Finally deciding on the most ineffective form of communication -- a monologue.

Save the apology
There is nowhere to go from there.
Take my abruptness instead
And hold no grudge.
I have fingered this hesitation
Everyday
Every other day.
I bought stationary with golden lining
For the unwritten letters
Spontaneous outbursts
All with your name in the front
On the top
My own overflowing.
What was it about me?
The trickery of my words
Deflecting truths.

I have decided to save all my driving practice for New Orleans. By then, I will have enough road sage saved up to make up for whatever skills or experiences I may lack, and hopefully enough to counter the city traffic. I hope to be scary in my big car. :)

A month ago, I learned something so earth-shattering it mentally shoved me into a state of limbo. Turns out certain things (or people) refuse to be buried. Turns out, it was never a ghost. Turn out, it was never past-tense. Turn out, I get a second chance... A second chance to examine some bandaged wounds, not yet scars, but no longer dripping with ignorance and stubbornness.

I anticipate no ownership or acquisition, only knowledge. And the truth shall set me free. =)

I have a people-I-cherish list. So dear are its occupants that they are unrankable by either importance or affection. Last Tuesday night I went to Books-A-Million to see Mrs. H, where she is in a knitting group with a bunch of girls/ladies/mothers/grandmothers. She brought me plastic knitting needles with blue yarn, and I began to knock out a scarf.

Sitting along side those women, I felt myself in the middle of an Amy Tan novel. They weren't Chinese, and I wasn't separated by some generational/cultural gap, but their quick hands and quicker conversation so strangely focused my perspective. How lucky they are to have a grandchild who needs a pink scarf and a pink hat, to have an unborn baby demanding a prayer blanket, to have a friend sitting close by so when the scarf/hat/blanket start to look unlike a scarf/hat/blanket, they can just lean over and ask for help.

Mrs. H went with her daughters, and I wondered at my own haste to leave home. What was my hurry anyway? Independence in the sense of emotional and physical distance is over-rated. Really, it is.

I'm leaving Shreveport forever... my home for the past 11 years. It is my personal belief that once a home, always a home.

Four years ago, I walked out of my first biology test thinking "I'll be okay here"... True to that prediction, Rice didn't eat me... Four years later, I walked out my diffy test (a class I procrastinated for four years), mentally gushing the incredibility of here and now. What changed? I'm one inch taller (sure of it), without bangs (although I miss them all the time), more of a girl (i.e. more obsessive of my weight), no longer spend a hour every morning in front of the mirror (bangs were high-maintenance!), broke my no-studying-on-Friday-night rule (long long ago), unashamedly recognize that I'm not a drinker, partier, dancer, or bar-hopper; rarely wear black, succumed to the pink craze. I'm a bad judgment of people/character but life has been kind enough to shove a few precious people my way. And I still love Oprah... after all these years. :)

Who knows about medical school... and unlike four years ago, this time around, I will do my best to suppress all unfounded expectations, pre-mature excitements, unrealistic goals... in other words, I will try to be less me. :)

I took pictures of my walk from Hanszen to Jones today, pausing every five seconds to snap every scene from every angel, hoping for one good shot somewhere in there. How many times have I made that walk... imagine if I hadn't intervened with the initial college assignment... I couldn't... I can't imagine tweaking that part of fate. It seems that it has taken every bit of four years to become the kind of friends we have become. The laws of attraction and repulsion are fragile. I suppose things could be better, but what if it's not... can't take the risk.

A discussion with my father about the "wrong" turns in life, and whether it's not better to walk the straight path... I think he gets it... I made him assure me, out loud, that if things don't work out, he would support the turns I might have to make.

Rest assured...

I sat in The Chocolate Bar tonight, talking about my future in the most abstract terms... At one point, I brought up When Harry Met Sally to make some nebulous point ... My thoughts tumbled almost as fast as my words, and I confused my concerned my friends almost as much as I confused myself. One focal point we all agreed on -- that it's good to be young...

For future reference --

The nebulous point was that "when we FINALLY found the person we wish to spend the rest of our lives with, we want the rest of our lives to start as soon as possible"... thus, I wish not to delay the pleasure of the next four years because I want to partake on the "joys" that will come after as soon as possible...

I still find it amazing that one LPAP class four years ago, and we are still friends. There are people that I see everyday whose names I don't know... Life, what a mysterious little thing... and me... what a self-absorbent little person...

Linda Lee wishes us all to know that it's not the journey, it's the destination. :)

Clinique Happy --
more of an aspiration than a smell.

eek... it's my turn.

Today was an awful day. What an awful way to start my blog, but there it is... thank goodness it can be written in past tense. I hate feeling inadequate, and for 90% of the day, I felt just that -- inadequate, insufficient, inept... blah blah blah. I whined to my mom for at least a hour, the kind of whining that ONLY my mom could tolerate. If my friends ever heard me like that... well, they would never. :) The wise decision I made -- get out of my room and get some work done. I did that, and even went to work to make some money. All is not lost, I know... And tomorrow, well damn, it better be better!

I opened my mail-box today and there it is, the cutest card in the world, from one of my dearest friends. A little girl wearing a red sweater, yellow skirt, red tights, white sox, red Mary Janes, purse askew... talking into a public phone with all the urgency in the world... Thanks, old friend. :)

It wasn't wise to go out yesterday, not because I had a 8:30 am math test today, but because having too much fun on a week day impedes any guilt-free craziness on the weekend. Thus, I'm contemplating whether it's okay to go out and get tapioca (again!) this weekend... This could be my last month in Texas and who knows whether there will be jasmine milk tea with grass-jelly of this caliber in my future... excuses, excuses...

Haven't wrote that letter to Sony yet... I tell myself it's because I doubt the letter would be read by anyone of potential influence, but really, it's called laziness.

Yesterday was Joanne's birthday. Freshman year, her birthday came and went (did we do anything?! I can't remember), Sophomore year, we planned a surprise party for her. Junior year, Maria and I baked a two- tiered cake and surprised her at 12:00 am... Yesterday, I could only call... and hope she knows how much I wish I could be there. I foresee plenty of birthdays spend alone in my own future, I only hope I feel no overwhelming sadness and have good friends close by. I will do for myself exactly what I recommended to her -- indulge in something special and under no circumstances would I shed any tears.

It's not my birthday, so the logical question is, why did I buy so the jeans and the bag?! Immediately is the better question -- what am I saving for?! I mean, the six hours of work I do a week isn't going to grow into a retirement fund... It will be depleted as soon as I go to medical school, for which I have to take out a loan. Yes, there is the principle of saving, but there is also the principle of living in the moment... AND not passing up a pair of 65 dollar jeans when it's on-sale (or the 50 dollar tote!). More excuses for my non-disciplined life-style, what can I say...

I'm going to post this blog and then tally up my spendings for the weekend. Did I mention I'm working this Sunday?! Yes I am! :)

mmm... I'm going to write a letter to Sony, a constructive letter detailing the urgent lacking of their customer service. I think every important electronic device my family owns is by Sony, so it is appalling that my money can't buy service. The annoying thing is I can't switch brands! Sony really is amazing... my GRX does't even hiccup on good days.

On an up note, my computer is going strong (knock on wood)... New resolution, NO eating around my computer! Is that possible?

Parting thought from Desiderata -- If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself... Dr. Phil once said that we worry constantly what others think, but have YOU actually seen the "others"? It gets tricky though, when the "others" have faces we adore.

Yes, that's vague... don't read it again. :)

Happy Easter!

Saturday night dinner -- two apples, a bag of baked Lay's original, a cup of yogurt, and several pieces of mints. Saturday night movie (s) -- ten minutes of While You Were Sleeping, almost the entire The American president, ten minutes of a Bollywood film, and ten minutes (or less) of A Gentleman and an Officer... Genetics is killing me!

Near-death experience with my computer! It miraculously revived, how?! Must be Easter! :) Never, ever turn on your computer after wiping it with a damp cloth... but who knew?! After all, it didn't even so much as sneeze when I spilled soy milk all over the keyboard! I can't stand the Sony people I talked to over the phone! Could they BE anymore unconcerned! Please please please let this be the end of my computer crisis. I love my little PCG-GRX-570. :)

Sunday dinner at Ruggle's followed by too much junk food... But it's all, tomorrow I'll do better. :)

Work tonight was interesting. Maria and I talked and giggled about the G-rated things in life -- vacations, medical school, parents, and my crush of the month, etc... The other half of the room talked about all things in college that caused the rapid decline of their purity test score. You can imagine... I would elaborate but I don't have the vocabulary ... :) It was interesting, really.

What else...

Argument with mom. It doesn't happen very often, so I'm quite lost when it does and decided to milk it for all it's worth -- namely, analyze this guilty feeling simmering inside. I could swore she was grouchy first. It was most frustrating arguing with her in the LRC, as I was forced to keep my voice down. One downfall of talking on a cell-phone -- I can't slam it down! I know, I'm such a horrible daughter.

The tedious details in life that I know you don't care... but will make me realize how wonderfully simple life was when I read back ten years from now.

I don't think BeneFit eye cream works! The Clinique lady recommended it to me... but I should have known by her face (wow that's mean!). Wish I had asked for samples instead of dishing out $40 bucks. Why didn't I get Origin? Oh right, the Clinique lady. I still want to take it back to mom... she could like it. Don't be cheap Tian!

11:15 pm... enough enough

Happy News! Houston has no rain till next Friday, according to my most-trusted, but often-mistaken weather.com. I take good news where I can get it, and this makes Sunday work tolerable! Yeah for making money!

I bought nine Fiji apples yesterday (my favorite) and ate one at 10:50 this morning --sitting on my couch, with the lights turned off, staring out my five-story window. It was a mediational moment.

A surprisingly productive Saturday morning- finished paper, almost finished math - is finally starting to dwindle, even though I am still occupying a study room at Fondren. I have unfinalized dinner plans that needs a period at the end... so I can plan out my intervals of working/bumming accordingly for the rest of the day. I have an urge to go to the RMC and rent "The Incredibles". It was so good when I saw it in the theaters, except my need to go to the bathroom distracted me from uninhibited laughter. Must watch again!

A beautiful black print dress from Zora's will stay with me for weeks to come. It had black silk lining and soft outer shell (100% polyester, but it felt silky). There are soft elastics in all the right places, so it's fitting yet light. Maybe it will go on sale...

Okay! The plan is to finish math then lunch!

Take care to enjoy this weekend, and not be pulled into feeling guilty for my idleness, for next weekend will be genetics hell! Must finish my paper, understand my math, and attack some genetics, but all in good spirits, please!

I almost forgot to offer an explanation for the recent dilapidation of my blog. You see, I'm taking an English class that requires weekly papers! That's right, one paper per week. Although it doesn't have to be long, I have to read it out loud in front of the whole class. Therefore, stuttering and blushing are to be minimized and coherence much encouraged. I try to save all my complete sentences for the papers, thus the neglect of my blog.

Anyways, as always, I will do better. :)

Irish coffee -- bad
French coffee -- bad
Jamaican coffee -- so good Maria and I both ordered it on our last night on the Cruise, when I finally made eye contact with Martin Bouska and waved him down. Who says hiring cute waiters doesn't help business. Linda L. and I would never have downed our two sips of coffee liquor otherwise.

Clue -- good
Scrabble -- good until competitive people can't stop! (wink wink)
Trivial pursuit -- good until competitive people can't stop! (wink wink wink)
Uno -- very good because it's hard to get competitive people wired up... or is it?!

Getting dolled up and taking pictures -- good
Four girls getting dolled up and taking pictures beside a white piano like we are one big happy family -- very good
Must order a huge portrait before we can order four wallet sized copies -- not so good... what are we going to do with the big one? Hang it over the fireplace? :)
Linda L. putting her digital camera to good use -- hehe, good.

Grand gala dinner buffet -- good
Grand gala dinner buffet with a mountain of chocolate at 12:30 a.m. -- good ?!
Grand gala dinner buffet with a hill of grapes -- saved me!
Chocolate buffet the day after the grand gala buffet -- eekk!
Walking through a table of grapes before hitting the chocolate buffet -- saved me! Again!

p.s. Bits of the cruise will sporadically pop into my head without any chronological order.

Maroon5 it is!

The most productive thing I did today was laundry. Even then, I failed to air-dry a couple of shirts and shrank my hot pink $5 Urban shirt. Dinner was gross, really. I don't know what I ate, but I know I'm better off without it. Can I recommend to you an article in the March issue of Vogue? It's about women and alcohol. Read it! Read it now!

Take a break from my self-consumed mode of only-child living --

I hope Michelle is having a good time in Seattle, that it's sunny and warm for her. I hope Krystle isn't mad at me for failing to call her back; I'm so proud of her for getting a full ride to grad school. I hope Joanne is happily talking to her boyfriend, mapping out their future together... in Ireland! :). I hope N. is kicking butt on her test (which she is hopefully breezing through as we speak). I hope Linda N. is getting over her sickness and that Linda L. showed up to eat the yummy egg-rolls. I hope my parents are having another one of those quiet conversations that last for hours.

For me -- I want to sleep through the night and wake up to a better day. Damn, what happened to live in the moment?

Marron5

The rodeo was awesome! The huge turkey leg was chunky, not as chunky as my caramel pecan bignets, which wasn't as good as Linda N's fried Oreo's. Maroon5 was so good I took a roll of film in a dark stadium with the stage a million yards away! In case I forget, Adam is my definition of "foxy". My first yeehaw-experience a success! :)

Hidden tension in our little suite, actually not hidden at all, but spelled out on the dry-erase board for the world to see... I won't be vulgar and say something mean... really, I won't! I prefer it this way. Let's pay our dues and move on... It's time to graduate!

Yeehaw!

Cap and gown ordered! Small step for Tian, big step for Tian's future. :) How cheesy.

Cruise-withdraw continues, as well as the urge to take a sequel vacation. Post cruise, I became convinced that to travel is to travel in comfort. The thought of back-packing across Europe no longer excites me, as the distinct possibility of sweating all day without a shower at night is a discomfort I am too old to afford. But last night, N. Convinced me otherwise. Perhaps the only thing one needs to travel well is good company after all.

Rodeo tonight! What's the point of staying in Texas for four years without experiencing some cowboy action. Maroon-5 will perform... I downloaded "This Love"... I don't think I can sing along just yet.

I miss Ely, my most wonderful waiter for seven days. He made eating a five-course meal at 8:30pm every night a pleasant experience... I miss his accent and his goofy jokes.

I miss my boat so much that I spend at least 30 minutes googling of other cruises I could go on. I'm back on land, and experienced land-sickness for the first time. Seriously, I was dizzy for half a day.

I miss napping on the deck, "mummified" under beach towels, while Linda N. toasts under the sun. I miss wearing sundresses that bellows in the wind, and wrapping myself around in my pseudo-pashmina.

I miss practicing the Austin Powers dance at every semi-empty open space and saying yee-haw sporadically throughout the day after learning the country line dance.

I miss seeing my friends first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

NOTICE how this entry contains nothing about grapes or the Czech Republic! :)

Last-minute blog before I depart for my Spring Break Cruise! Seven whole days of ... I don't what yet, but I can't wait to find out! I'm ashamed to admit how much thought/planning I put into packing. The dresses, the jeans, the pants, the shirts (long-sleeved and short)... I am bringing a half-written paper, but fought the urge to take math notebook along. What am I, a nerd?! :)

The last couple of weeks has been kind of crazy, but when is it not. Between school, going home, stomach problems, and then yesterday's sore throat, I simply wasn't in a blogging kind of mood. Actually, I still am not, but due to the fear of losing my blog-readers for good, I decided to pull my thoughts together and jot down a couple of lines. Rest assured, I will do better. :)

So glad Million Dollar Baby won all that it won. I have such a respect for Hillary Swank and Clint Eastwood now... SOOOO disappointed in Sideways, maybe because I'm not an unemployed forty-year-old loser, but the humor was too sad to be funny and the humanity was too perverse to be touching. Anyways, did it win anything? I was too busy cramming for a Monday morning test to have watched the whole thing.

Twenty more minutes and I'm gone!

Today is my mom’s birthday, and she is sick. I think nothing makes me more anxious and short-tempered than knowing that my mom is unwell. I know this is counter-productive, being upset just when she needs me the most… But I can’t help it, I feel that my whole world would collapse if she doesn’t get better instantaneously. It's only a cold, and I know I'm being selfish.

My dad just called… He is buying flowers for my mom. I have the most lovely parents.

Sunday morning. Sitting on a rocking desk chair wrapped around in my wool throw, trying not to stare at the flashing screen saver… Instead, concentrate on sipping the cup of warm water held with both hands, micro-waved to comforting hotness.

It is impossible to spend a minute completely alone, unoccupied, undistracted, unbored... look at me now.

Here is dinner -- Spinach egg drop soup, Shanghai shrimp with pine-nuts, broccoli with oyster sauce, and stir-fried egg-plant. But what you wouldn't have known, and what made this dinner infinitely more special, is that Linda, Maria, and I made it together in Maria's kitchen! We simply didn't get enough of the cooking last Monday night for Lunar New Year, thus we went back for more!

Gym or no gym, that is my most immediate dilemma, as I chug the gross sour coffee from the Hanzsen servery, only because I need the calcium from the carton of milk I emptied into it. Random details of my life --

If one has to take a differential equations class senior year, then there is no better person to take it from than Dr. F. Jones at Rice. He is, quite possibly, the best math teacher I have ever had. Not that my own capabilities in this subject has increased any significantly, but if it's any indication, let's just say that my homework for Monday was done the Friday before!

I am caught between my need to spend money, my lack of money, and my detest to go to work to make money... Half the time I tell myself that when the weather is better, when it's not as cold/rainy/freezing, I will take the thirty minute walk more often. But when will that be?! This is Houston, after all.

I watched 春节联欢晚会 with Maria last night. It’s easy to forget how rare it is to find someone here that shares my unnatural enthusiasm.

I have a truck-load of spinach that will shrink into a handful once I put them in water… should be enough for my soup.

Happy new year! Happy new year to all! I have a cold dumpling in Saran wrap sitting on my desk, left over from a celebration at Maria's, waiting to be devoured at midnight.

According to tradition, one wears new clothes on New Year's day. I have my own something new and red close by. Also according to tradition, one goes around the neighborhood the morning of, wishing all their friends and neighbors prosperity and happiness. The proverbs that go along with this are far too loaded with meaning to be cruelly translated by me, suffice to say that when I was younger, it was a race to see how many I can remember and how fast I can spew them out in one breath. I must have gone around the neighborhood with my grandparents every year growing up, yet somehow, only one particular memory stands out.

I can see the living room, almost the couches... I can recall the voices, but see only my grandfather's smile, and my grandmother's beam, as I said my greeting. I did't want to linger, for I was wearing new clothes that I couldn't wait to show off. This makes standing still quite difficult, thus I shifted my feet in the coal-furnace heated house...

Anyways, a bit of memory to comfort me when I am so far from it all...

Thank you for your kind words.

Should be doing genetics... I am not.
Should be writing a paper... I am not.
Should be working after a weekend of over-spending... I am not.
Instead, I am pouring over this indulgent chronicle of my ordinary life, the trivial details that I so hope would bring nolstalgic warmth into my life ten years from now, when I am older but none-the-wiser.

Today could almost be the most dreary of all Mondays. I woke up in the worst of moods, so tired that I snoozed despite the math test at 8:30 am.
Then I called my dad and lost my temper because I mistakenly thought he had decided to paint our new house white... all white!

Two things saved today for me, cardio kickboxing and the the package I received from mom filled with all things red for Chinese New Year!

Here is my hypothesis to explain this mysteriously melancholy mood -- Little Swallow is in China celebrating the most festive day on earth, and here I am, doing laundry on a rainy Monday night.

"I learn by going where I have to go..."

Troubled thoughts on sleepless nights, they go hand in hand. The blindfold that is the present clouds my vision... Try as I might, I cannot see past the haze. Self-comfort and consolation are not enough... yet reassurance is hard to come by when I spare no truth... spare no truth. I measure out my steps in days and hours, hoping they lead me to where I cannot yet see.

I feel this urge to blog, so let me start by saying that the right half of my right foot really hurts in a bone-breaking/nerve-aching sort of way. If this were the old me, I would have sucked up the pain, remembered that HUGE dinner I had last night, and pushed myself to the gym. BUT, being wiser and kinder to myself, I decided to do a bit pilates and call it a morning.

Talking about the huge dinner last night, I had a fabulous time at Linda2's. Her parents are so incredibly nice to invite so many people over and cook so much wonderful food... Pouring over her scrapbook/photo-albums brought on a touch of sadness... Just when I'm finally getting to her know in a family-tree sort of way, we're about to say goodbye and leave this maze that is college. Oh how I wish I could share my scrapbooks with my friends, and show them the cheesy notes I write beside each photo.

I think I figured out the genetics homework, thus this slacking off to blog at Maria's house while she is studying dilligently in the living room. Alright, back to more highlighting.

I received some very happy yet surprising news. My reaction to which can be best summarized by the one-way IM below... I feel the need to capture that moment, HZ, so I hope you don't mind that I copied this IM onto my blog. If you do, I'll take it off. =)

(1:06:25 AM): OMG!!!!!!!

Auto response from [friend] (1:06:26 AM)...

(1:06:33 AM): huizi!!!!!!!

(1:06:41 AM): how could I not know the INSTANT you're engaged!

(1:07:11 AM): I just told my friends today that you're my oldest friend America... I think the significance of that (and of you) is way more than the above sentence implies!

(1:07:21 AM): OH HUIZI!

(1:07:27 AM): I can't believe you're engaged

(1:07:34 AM): the girl who gave me my first pop-tart

(1:07:44 AM): I think my fingertips went numb when you told me that...

(1:08:02 AM): did I say "congratulations"?

(1:08:06 AM): I mean "congratulations"!

(1:08:48 AM): 2+2=4? How can you compare love/marriage to math?! We are (you are) way more complicated than some equation

(1:09:05 AM): ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(1:09:58 AM): I'm having a conversation with myself, so I'll stop now. I hope this is what you REALLY want... despite the doubts (which would seem normal)... I say listen to your gut.. and that elusive heart...

(1:10:11 AM): sigh.... time... life... what more can I say.

WOW! I know this is early, but I feel like my last post requires immediate response! Your comments have made me feel both touched and sad. Touched that you sound so concerned and sad that you sound so... well... Concerned. The most overwhelming feeling of all is embarrassment, however. I feel like I was digging for compliments or something. I wasn't, promise! I just wanted to blog out a common sentiment so friends would know where I stand on this weight issue. Too often, they think I'm immune.

HZ, I miss you! I will call. I too, like myself better on hindsight. So in that sense, you knew the best of me.

I apologize about the last blog; it was very pathetic... in pace with the who pathetic subject. I will just go to the gym and not think any more about it...

During lunch today, while eating my plate of green/orange/soupy stuff, I discussed the issue of weight/food/ body-image with Linda. Only last Sunday, Maria and I also discussed it over my chocolate/peanut butter dinner. I may not voice it as frequently or as loudly, but I am haunted by the scale of fat/thin/skinny all the time. While I admire the friend who is on an I-love-carb diet because she is happy with her body and wish I shared her self-assurance, the truth is I miss the days when weight was a non-issue.

I wish I remembered the last time I ate junk food without an OUNCE of guilt, because I would rewind that moment over and over again to figure out what happened to disrupt that circuit of sanity.

Three posts in one day, is that allowed? Oh well, I get such interesting/nice comments that I decide to click a few more words to bring myself closer to 11:00 pm. That is my designated lower limit for sleeping time. Anything before 11:00, and it's guaranteed toss/turning plus waking up before 4:00 am. I have tried sleeping at 10:30 twice thus far, and that is exactly what happened both times.

I'm doing laundry tomorrow morning. Check back tomorrow night, and I am a girl with the freshest smelling clothes once again. I am also doing diffy tomorrow morning. Did you know, I have been planning out my days to the T - a time for everything, eating, sleeping, walking, exercising, watching TV... The rectangular blue post-it's have graced my planner every single day. Today, I had TWO! I planned for two days in a row!

I still haven't finished Angels and Demons. I am fairly certain this is the slowest I've ever read any book since the 6th grade. I'm not sure whether it's because I want to slow down and prolong a good thing, or I'm just not that interested. In truth, I like The Da Vinci Code better.

Good night! I'm going to update my planner some more... for there are still 25 minutes to kill before I can climb into my bed!

I told Maria today that my night class seems to be the perfect class to pass/fail – I can listen to interesting lectures, not study for the tests, write a crappy paper, and pass! She laughed in a way that made me immediately recognize the absurdity of what I said with much embarrassment… Then tonight, strolling to the student center, pondering whimsically at all the things I could study for without the urgency to do anything, I remembered sophomore year when she and I would study in the library until 12:00 am, then getting the leftover free coffee from the coffeehouse, sneak it into the library and study some more. Wow, that was me too!

mmm... Just so you know, just because you're commenting under anonymous does not mean you can't TYPE your name at the end. Also, your hint served no purpose. I still have no idea who you are.

This is early, but what is the point of setting my alarm to 7:00 am when all I do is snooze for half an hour. Thus, one snooze this morning. I am up to work on my paper that's due Friday. The topic is to write about something that's unjust/unfair. I think I have a pretty original idea; the problem is delivery. On that note, I will stop blogging and save all my writing juices. :)

Deep conversation with a friend about life... must make peace with myself.

This is shaping up to be a busy semester, with a steady flow of problem sets and papers that plague all of my days. Perhaps "plague" is too harsh of a word, for 50% of the time, I don't actually mind them. There is always that sense of accomplishment with every bit of math that I understand, and as Maria said, the satisfaction of seeing my time not wasted.

Last night, Harika and I did a very very very silly thing. Suffice to say that the silliness actually killed (please God) a ghost for me. First time in years that I actually doubted the validity of my judgment, the worthiness of this obsession. The voice did not, in the least bit, match up with the image I fabricated. It was as if the only way his armor would not tarnish is by sealing out all reason and logic, which I am the expert at doing. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't sad. It only took a couple moments of silence to realize that I could not/should not have expected otherwise. WOW, what a night!

I haven't been very successful at taking naps lately. Remember freshman year when I had 10 minutes after lunch before Chemistry lab to climb up my bunk bed and take a nap, which I did. I know I age a hundred years by saying this but I really think it's the nerves. I have too many random/useless thoughts floating in my head that attack me as soon as I close my eyes in the middle of the day.

I haven't seen my friends in forever... Actually it's only been 48 hours, but it feels like forever.

Finding Neverland exceeded all my expectations. I have always read about movies that make one cry in one second then laugh in the next, I just never experienced it until tonight. Jonny Depp, the perfect blend of vulnerability and strength… it’s all in the cheekbones, I’m convinced. I think the next time I see Kate Winslet, I might just tear up in remembrance of her tonight. I tried to keep my tearing/sniffling under control for those sitting near, but midway through it, I thought what the heck, I only live once.

She lives in every page of your imagination.

Oh it’s too late to talk about the New Year, suffice to say that loud music+murderous smoke+ghetto dance is not my scene. However, I am more than happy to put up with it for one night to spend time with high school friends that I may never gather with again. My birthday? Spending it at home was the icing on top of my perishable ice-cream cake!

Present goal – I CAN do math and I WILL save money!