There are no holes deeper or darker than that of self-pity, thus I am over it. This is a tense time; I have to constantly monitor my uneven thoughts to stay sane. At night, when overwhelmed, it helps to open my eyes and trace the dispersed bands of dark and light, the blind reflected on the ceiling. The identity crisis subsides; all the thoughts I would rather not think about clatter against my fingertips… especially now.

Friday night, I went to the village with Maria and Linda. Beautiful things everywhere, but I resisted and asked myself (again and again) the all-important question – could I not live without it five/ten years from now? I conquered myself; I spend no money. This trick worked less well the next day when I tempted my bank account once more in the Galleria. Six hours of shopping, Maria and I didn’t even cover half of that maze. About two hours into our suit-hunting experience, Maria kicked up our pace a notch by looking furiously for the perfect suit. She found it, and she looks wonderful. Me, on the other hand, somehow forgot the all-important-question and ended up with two suits, two shells, a shirt, and a pair of shoes that’s all-too-expensive and all-too-high for all except the part of me that wants to be Sarah Jessica Parker on Sex and the City. I have been touching/thinking about my suits and shoes all day. I want to put them all on and walk around my dorm, but I’m afraid they will get dirty and I can’t return them if my parents were to HATE them… for it would truly take HATE.

Lead poisoning. Even though NY banned the use of lead in paint, it is still used in classrooms until 1980. Studies have shown that the mental damage done is irreversible--
“In the light of all these socially created injuries to intellect, most of which could be corrected by a fair-minded society, it may seem surprising that scarce research funds should be diverted to investigations of “genetic links” between the IQ deficits of certain children and their racial origins. There is something wrong with a society where money is available to do this kind of research but not to remove lead poison from homes and schools of children in the Bronx.” -- Amazing Grace by Kozol, wow. Read it.