Who ARE those people that become what they aspired to be, and DO what their passion dictates they must do?! Are they ALL on TV?! Do they not have parents? Do they feel no pressure?

As much as I want to think I am who I choose to be, I also believe that choice was restrained by stipulations laid down long before I was born. I can no more choose my choices than I can choose my parents. I can "rise" as much as I want, and "overcome" as much as I want, but in the end, the balance of the universe is not to be shifted by my stubborness or determination... or God forbid, failure. What's my point? I forget. But if there is ever limbo on earth, that's where you can find me...

I hate to think that the universe is conspiring against me, but it is. Getting sick a week before Step I, who's heard of such bad luck. I realize worse things happen every day, but in my world, this is earth shattering. I'm enjoying the best two minutes of my day RIGHT NOW -- breathing through both nostrils. I shall grasp this second to cram in more FIRST AID, before the hypoxia kills more neurons.

A bit over one month since my last blog about my last cold, a bit too soon. So much for the "resilience" I always boasted for my name sake. Yes, that's what my name means, resilience.

To all my friends who are having dinner parties on this Saturday night-- Enjoy! The world is on your side. I have a box of recipes stored away myself, wonder if I will ever try them all. Hope the bread pudding turned out well. :)

These days, I'm in a perpetual state of anxiety and doubt. Anxious that my huge test is coming up, doubt that I can do well. Then today, looking for distractions, I opened my notebook of favorite quotes and book excerpts though the years. I came across "Desiderata". I read it out loud, and by the end, there were tears in my eyes. I had forgotten how many phrases from this short poem had stayed with me through the years, how many quotes have circulated and surfaced in my brain times and again. Then today, I realized that despite it all, I still believe in the words.

"Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass."

"Beyond wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe if unfolding as it should."

So optimistic, so true.