My luck still hasn't turned around... I'll give you some examples why...

Took my new one week old car to get some extra gears installed at the dealership.  At pickup, realized a NEW SCRATCH!  WTF.

Olivia wakes up randomly at 3AM with urticarial hives all over.  No offending foods given.  WTF.

S, for the first time since I have known him, can't shake a cold in 48 hours.  It's been a week and he is still coughing. WTF.

These are only inconveniences I know, and I gladly take them over any real catastrophe.  I'm just saying that my new lucky purchase perhaps hasn't quite panned out...  Well I love it all the same anyways.

In the meantime, we are knee deep into my favorite month.  There isn't a hint of chill in the air.  I need a sign, some hint of autumn yet to come.

22 weeks and counting.  My second pregnancy is trudging along.  I have gained about 15 lbs, give or take a few.  I look and feel so. much. bigger.  I don't even glance at my skinny jeans, while stubbornly trying not to buy any new clothes for this final and last pregnancy (yes pretty sure).  I try to imagine our life with another baby, so far, it's still surreal.  It seems that Olivia takes up every extra nook and cranny of our days.  I try to imagine her as an older sister, and tear up.  It's hard to imagine loving anyone THAT much.

Fall...

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.  That is the only way to explain the inexplicable exhuastations at 8AM this morning after a good night sleep.  Not just the physical kind that makes one's bones ache, but the mental kind that anchors one to the couch, sucks away all compassion and patience, and makes one snap at their cute toddler and husband.

Or... it could be...  all the things are catching up to me...

It has been a rocky start into fall for the Do household.  September started with the natural disasters that is the hurricane season.  My parents came to escape Hurricane Irma.  Steve went on his first business trip since we met.  The moment everyone leaves me and I am a mother alone with Olivia, I get us into a car accident on the way to school.  It wasn't my fault, at all, as I tell myself over and over and over.  In some ways that only adds to the trauma, to think that careful as one may be, disasters can still befall us all.  We are ok, physically... but the events haunted me for days.  It's true what they say, things happen in a flash.  One second I knew something bad is going to happen, the next thing I remember is the smell of the burnt plastic as air bags deployed all around me.  Then the sound of Olivia crying in the back, and me pushing my way to to get my baby out...  I'm not sure why my first emotion was just the uncontrollable tears, on the side of the road, holding my baby.  Long after she has calmed down, I'm still a sobbing mess.  Thinking back, I wish I was more calm, more gathered.

I wasn't ready to part of my old car, but here I am, in the process of finding a new one.  It dawns on me that I will be a mom of two little ones, that there will be two car seats in my car...  So many practical things to think about.  No I'm not getting a mommy van.  But no I'm not getting my dream car either.

Olivia is growing up so fast before my eyes.  She sings all the nursery rhymes that she used to watch on repeat.  She loves peppa pig, legos, and the playground.  I understand only about fifty percent of everything she says, and I have a feeling that vice versa is true.  She can be very moody and inconsolably stubborn but mostly, she is achingly sweet.  She makes little faces at me and her big eyes are full of expressions.  When she lets me put pigtails in her, the cuteness is too much to take.  I remind her daily that baby Isla is coming, and she tells me it's in my tommy.

Summer Vacation 2017

Just when I didn't think we were going to have a real summer vacation this year (mainly due to my early pregnancy woes and many a cancelled trips), we managed to squeeze in one week of visiting family and friends.  It had all the best elements of a vacation - no school for Olivia, sleeping in (past 8AM!) for S and me, home cooked meals, fancy hotel, and plenty of adult only time.  We packed up a car full (of mainly Olivia's belongings.  Geez that little kid has serious baggage) and drove all up and down the GA coast.

As we found out on this trip, Olivia loves playing with sand and spend about three hours sitting in this very spot digging around with her plastic spatula.  She also loves splashing around in the pool (while being held tightly by me or her daddy).  She is, however, not a fan of the ocean.  She will cry bloody murder if you try to dip her toes in the waves.  Bloody murder.  

Solar Eclipse 2017.  It happened around 2:45pm Eastern Time and Olivia slept through it all.  It was an overcast and rainy day on St Simons Island and didn't get very dark at all.  Still very cool to see.

Last family evening out on SSI before returning home.  Olivia Do 2.5 years old.  Me 15 weeks pregnant.  No matter how old I am, I always feel like a child at my parents' house - in a good way.  My mom cooks for us, washes our clothes, tells me when to go to bed... while my dad plays with Olivia and has philosophical discussions with me about world affairs.  There is no place like home. 

Books, Books, Books...

Last two of my Book of the Month Club reads -- 

A quick read that started a bit slow but then took an unexpected turn.  Entertaining.  File it under beach read category. 

I will have many wonderful things to say about this book for years to come.  It is controversial for sure, as evident by all the diverging Amazon reviews.  I only went to read those after I finished this book, to get a sense of where I am in the spectrum of opinions.  I will say this -  it is not for the faint hearted.  It is neither light nor fluffy.  It touches on dark subject matters concerning people living on the edge of society.  It challenged my values and sense of right/wrong, interjecting all shades of gray where it was clearly black and white before.  Take home message - people lead complicated lives that are every bit as real as yours and mine.  Don't be so quick to judge.   

Another heavy read for these heavy times.  Not sure how this one escaped my radar for so long.  I might be hopping right over to hulu to watch the miniseries.

Not a Baby Anymore... Olivia at Two and a Half

We recently sold our house and moved into a two bedroom apartment, much smaller than the big space Olivia is used to.  The first time we gave her a tour of the empty apartment, she wandered in, took one look around, and said "I don't like it.  I want to go home".  It was heartbreaking, and we tried to explain to her it is only temporary.

Surprisingly, once we moved in, she adapted really well.  She never asks about her old home anymore, and tells me "we are home" when I pull up to the street.  She doesn't seem to miss her toys too much, we only packed a fraction with us.  Sometimes I think she is really at an age to enjoy her toy kitchen, too bad its all in storage for the next six plus months...

This age, so innocently sweet it makes me weepy.  I wrap my arms tightly around her as much as I can to hold on to my little toddler.  Don't grow up too fast, Olivia.  At the same time, grow out of this whiny/tantrum-y/daddy-only stage already.  Can't have it both ways, I tell myself.  Time out (or the threat of) still works to snap her out of most stormy situations.  I packed this book close, just in case I need to brush up. 

\

Olivia has always loved her daddy.  This, however, is an intense daddy only stage.  Most mornings when she wakes up she gets down from the bed herself and goes looking for him.  If he is home, I hear her shriek with delight.  If he isn't, she goes to her toys and quietly plays.  I am sure I could snooze some more if I wanted to, but an unwatched toddler left alone makes me too nervous. 

What surprises me the most at this age is how perceptive she is.  Olivia is very aware when we are sad, mad, happy, sick.  Not only does she feel it, she names it out loud.  "Mommy are you happy"?  She asks me, esp if she knows I'm mad at her.  

                                    

No... we are not potty trained.  I also brought this book but just haven't mustered up the energy to do it.  Before she turns three!!

Into the Water started strong, full of suspense, history, death.  I hung in there all through the middle, but close to the end, I can sense the anticlimactic ending closing in.  As much as I wanted to be proven wrong,  it simply didn't deliver.  And we all know... the ending is everything.  It can make or break an entire book.  I'm still fan of Paula Hawkins, will still read her next book, still adore her writing... but this book will be filed under mediocre, right alongside Girl on the Train. 

How I loved reading every page of this book and didn't want it to end.  I found myself getting attached to the characters like I haven't done with fictional characters in a long time.  Perhaps it's the Chinese immigrant in me, perhaps it's the mom in me, perhaps it's the outsider in me...  Long after the last page, I'm still rooting for the characters. 

Hillbilly Elegy

Somehow... I can relate.  It is unfathomable really, in this deeply personal book looking at white Appalachian population living at and below the poverty line, since I am none of those things.  It resonates if only in the absolute contrast of our cultural differences.  In other words, this book describes an attitude of living that is the polar opposite to my own, and because of that, I have somehow derive deep revelations about my own upbringing.

"It's not like parents and teachers never mention hard work.  Now do they walk around loudly proclaiming that they expect their children to turn out poorly.  These attitudes lurk below the surface, less in what people say than in how they act".

I am an expert on expectations that lurk below the surface.  Some directly communicated, some through action.  How could I not bring home straight A's when my dad, working a full time job, somehow manages to take (and pass) his medical boards?  Somethings are understood.  Like I should curtail my TV watching when he is studying next room.

I seem to be going through a memoire phase.  I love reading them so.  They bring a level of immediate self awareness.  It's like connecting with someone at a very close and personal level, while learning something bigger about the whole of humanity.

Love Warrior

I can't stop reading memoirs...

Finished this book awhile ago and all the while thinking - where was this book when I was in high school??  There are some amazing revelations about those tumultuous year (say... age 13 to 30).  Would this book have spoken as deeply to a younger unchallenged version of myself?  It's hard to say.  It wouldn't have hurt to try.

Olivia Lately...

Things that put fear in the pit of my stomach #21 - getting a phone call from Olivia's school.  I always pick it up holding my breath.  Sure enough, some kid attacked Olivia and scratched her beneath her eye.  The incident involved some water cup that kinda sorta makes sense.  This is not her first rodeo, so to speak, and I didn't burst into tears at the sight of my injured baby.  It is school policy that they cannot tell me who the offender is, but I knew.  He is a cute kid that I have known since the infant class days.  I decided not to beat him up.  

It never even occurred to me to ask Olivia what happened.  I mean, she is two years and two months old.  She has opinions, sure, but I didn't think she can retell events.  Fast forward 48 hours, bath time.  We were playing a "who is your friend in school" game where I randomly name little kids in her class and ask her whether they are friends.  When I said the name of the attacker, her little face tensed up, she immediately pointed to her injured eye, and said in no uncertain terms "[insert name] no nice. [insert name] hurt my eye".  It was heartbreaking!  Her little face scrunched up and she was so sad!  I had to hug her and reassure her it was an accident!  Moral of the story - little kids know!  

Olivia before the injury, sporting gold shoes! 

We are both getting over second bout of viral illness in 2017.  We both have some minor snotty noses left but nothing to keep us up at night.  Her daddy escaped unscathed... again.  I'm actually grateful, nothing worse than a man cold. 

Getting ready to make major life changes.  I wonder if Olivia will notice as boxes pile up and her toys get put away.  Must not underestimate the baby!

When Breath Becomes Air

I finished this book in two days.  I would have finished it sooner, except for the amount of tears pouring down my face.  It was hard to see through, and I had to take breathing breaks.  I highlighted many a passage, but have not read them again yet.  My heart, and my eyeballs, need a break.  I usually avoid leisurely reading that has anything to do with medicine.  This one though, was neither leisurely nor limited to medicine.  It is so.much.more.

My favorite moment of each day - when those meaty arms reach out for "mama mama".  Olivia counting her Easter candy this year.  She had a successful egg hunt in school and have been playing with these eggs ever since.  I love you sweet monkey.

What a great essay!  It brought tears to my eyes.  Isn't it amazing how deep down, we are alllll the same.  It goes perfectly with the theme of the current book I'm reading and podcast I'm listening to.

Steve and I are planning to take a calculated risk for our family.  We don't do these often.  Both of us are terribly risk averse.  Now that there is Olivia, I want to bubble wrap our lives many folds over. BUT, these are the days and years when big decisions are made, and this feeling of "discomfort" is not necessarily a "no don't do it", right??  I'm looking for signs, interventions, answers, hints... anything that can tell me what to do.  I take comfort in knowing that in the big scheme of things, this is small, and too, shall pass.

Loved this documentary (Netflix).  There is one scene where she is donating her collection of clothes to museums and the curators are unfolding and asking her about each piece.  The camera zooms in on her face and I see sadness and mortality.  Things, no matter how beautiful, are just things.  Can't take them with you in the end. 

How do you choose what to give away?

It's not easy. 

Does it keep you up?

oh God no.  I have more important things to keep me up at night... as you get older you realize that all these other things are just ... [she snaps her finger in the air].

Olivia Lately

26 months

Two years and two months

2.2 years

However you count it, there is no denying Olivia is entering toddlerhood.  Yesterday we had one alarming moment where she slapped my face then proceeded to half spit on me!  My sweet little baby, spitting on me like a little thug.

[saliva actually didn't leave her mouth very far as she hasn't quite mastered the act of projection]

I was so shocked I stared at her wide eyed.  It was all made more awkward by the fact we were at someone else's house.  Thank goodness there wasn't anyone witnessing this.  The moment ended when she quickly wrapped her arms around my neck and "asked' to be forgiven.  I had to give her the benefit of the doubt because the alternative was a public spanking.

The next time it happens... something tells me there will be a next time... I need to have a plan.  And it should not involve spitting back... [right??]

it's hard to punish this cute face but oh I try...

On a cuter note, she can count all the way to twelve.  She also says her ABC's [a.b.c.d.o.o.g...], even the lmnop part!  She is saying full sentences left and right, catching us by surprise all the time.  We went through about two months of sleep regression but finally seems to be over the worst of it.

Oh... and Olivia is officially allergic to peanuts and shellfish.  😲

Second haircut.  The bangs is too cute to handle. 

First dentist appt!  We were told to start flossing.😣

I had high expectations going blindly into this book, what with all of its accolades.  Fifty pages in and I'm thinking... what is this about?  How does this story go deep and do I really even care about this main character?  How do I feel about this omnipresent third voice telling the story?  Why am I bored?? In short, I had mixed feelings about the first half of the book.  What kept me going in the beginning was the authentic and original voice of the narrator.  The style of the writing is something of a classic.  The second half, however, is action packed from the start.  Full of deep revelations and plot twists.  It follows no rules, with it's over-arching plot tentacles that reaches across time and pull all of its characters together.  It is a book that lays heavily in my heart long after I have put it down.

I was not in the mood for another suspense/mystery.  The title and the cover should have given it away but somehow I picked it anyway (for my book of the month club).  I was prepared not to like it and for the most of the book I wasn't that impressed.  It is, however, a page turner.  There is enough suspense to keep me reading for hours at a time in a pursuit of WHAT IS GOING ON?  Then... the story changes... and I am literally speechless, reeling from the unexpected.  I mean... what the hell just happened???  I will leave it at that.  

Books

I haven't read anything autobiographical in... years.  After reading this book, that is all I want to read. The writing in this book is hauntingly beautiful, and ultimately is what propels and sells their extraordinary friendship.  Passages that I underlined, highlighted, read both in my mind over and over, as well as out loud.  What seems unrelatable just makes sense to me.

It was that day when the end of summer intersects perfectly with the start of fall, so it was warm but the breeze was light and nearly cool.

What legalized abortion brought to this country, along with safe medical practices, was the expectation of shame, the need to wonder if you were doing the right thing even though you knew exactly what you'd do in the end.  We could have our abortions but we had to feel horrible for the decision we made, even if it was hardly a decision at all.  So while social decency compels me to say that on the train uptown we cried and cursed fate and wondered what life might be like with a baby, the truth is we did not.  I could not imagine Lucy looking after a baby for an afternoon, much less a lifetime.  She did not try to imagine it at all...

Grief isn't something to 'be gotten through.'  It has no life of its own like that, it's just plain and imply there.  It's one of the things which tells us we are human. [letter from Lucy to Ann]

Wish I could say good things about it, but in truth is it was just ok.  Maybe because I read too many mystery/suspense books this past month, but this one is simply average - in writing and content.  There are some smart diversions and plot twists, some may even consider it a page turner.  There are better ones out there, that's all.

That time I spent $400 on a hair dryer...

Not just any  hair dryer, but the Dyson Supersonic Blow Dryer!

No one, in my socioeconomic status, would PLAN to spent $400 on a beauty product that a) doesn't claim to slow down aging b) doesn't take my face any closer to that of say... Natalie Portman.

Yet there I was, standing in the checkout line at Sephora with my little $18 eye liner, self congratulating on leaving that place without blowing a fortune, when out of the corner of my eye, I see it.  The sleek circular hair blow dryer that so far I have only seen in pictures and on blogs.  I halted the checkout lady who (mistakenly) thought I was done with my purchases and demanded that she hand it to me.

Next couple of minutes went by in a blur.  I remember vaguely of reaching out to touch it, holding in my hand, thinking what are the chances I could pass it up and go home to do some research before buying it (zero).  Next thing I know I'm holding an oversized Sephora bag, eyeliner lost somewhere in there, 700 more points on my Sephora Beauty VIB card.

That makes this Dyson hair blow dryer the ultimate impulse purchase.  At least with my last impulse purchase  I went into the store with something similar in mind...

On selling a house...

We are in the midst of selling a house.  No one has told me before but I am convinced that it is a milestone of adulthood.  Consider me educated.

If you are lucky, and there are lucky ones, it goes off without a hitch.  We THOUGHT we were lucky, but oh the line between lucky and unlucky is razor thin and changes on a dime.  Needless to say, it is not going well.  It requires daily pep talks.  It requires listening to all the self-motivational podcasts I skipped before.  It requires temper tantrums and quick apologies.  It requires patience, faith, and more patience.  Not my forte.  But I'm working on it...

Olivia Lately ...

2 years and 1 months old.

Two words - Bubble Guppies.  Olivia discovered them and loves them.  I try to contain them to much needed mommy breaks so she can sit contently watching and I can run around doing things.  We don't know how much is consumed on weekends home with daddy.  The way she says Bubble Guppies is a treat all in itself.

Potty Training has begun.  I really wasn't ready.  With all the hassles and stress of selling a house, I just wasn't ready to deal with unplanned pee pee and poo poo.  But Olivia is so ready!  They put her on a potty at school and she has been asking for potty potty since.  I still haven't read my book yet, but got her a little potty cover yesterday and have been at it since!  I may or may not have jumped up and down while clapping when she peed into a real toilet then tells me "all done".  This morning while peeing she pointed to the door and told me to "go"!  Is she asking for privacy??!

It's time to google some articles on potty training because honestly I have no idea where to go from here.

On eating - don't ask.

On playing - still loving books, still loves her kitchen set, still obsessed with her bear bear (although the relationship is tumultuous, sometimes with bear bear been thrown across the room).

On words - Olivia's favorite song to sing is "daddy finger daddy finger".  She can sing the whole sing, although certain words are skipped and substituted.  The tune though, is spot on.  Olivia is very bossy, with favorite words being - come on mama, come here, no mama, and go.

Friday Morning(s)

She woke up this morning with a unfamiliar sense of ease.  Scanning her mind for a reason why.  None.  The puke covered sheets from last night are still fermenting in the washer, the baby is still coughing (foretelling more puke covered sheets to come), and nothing especially good in her inbox(es).  But, the lightless is definitely there.  The OCD in her is muted.  She treads across shiny hardwood floor, races down the freshly vacuumed stairs, and leaves behind a trail of dirty socks, unmade beds, unwashed faces.  She waits for the OCD to scream out.  Nothing.  She goes straight for coffee.  Coffee is her reinforcement, to drown out whatever darkness may be brewing.

Lately...

When we bought our home in 2013, I thought it would be our forever home.  We walked barefoot around the hardwood floor, looked at all the empty walls, hand picked everything to make it our home.  We imagined filling the empty rooms with babies and memories.  This is the only home Olivia has ever known.  It has kept us warm and safe.  I have not one complaint.

It is with a heavy heart that I prepare to sell our house.  I say "I", because I don't think S is as sentimentally attached.  For him, there are many logistical reason to move.  For me, there is the dream of a all white kitchen.  I will try to not rush into settling on our next house (one that I am hoping will be our forever home).  I will try not to take it personally when people criticize my current house (it will be pretty much impossible).  I will try to brace myself for the hectic weeks/months(??!) ahead without too much undue stress.


In other news, Olivia turned two!  It was our mission to teach her she is turning two, and sure enough, when asked "how old are you", she holds up some fingers proudly in the air and says "TWO"!

Love this cake from www.customcakesbyliud.com.  I ordered literally four cakes from her in the span of two weeks and they all turned out beautifully.  We didn't really have a theme for her joined birthday party with Natalie.  Instead the cake feature bear bear and horsey.  

birthday girl

First trip to the zoo was not a big success.  It was a bit windy and cold and the animals didn't move very much.  Not sure Olivia really grasped the concept that these are the real life versions of the animals from her books.  She was dazed and not so impressed the whole morning. 

I am really really really into high waisted everything these days!  Specifically the Maria High Rise Skinny Jeans in light denim (pictured above)!  I got mine during their end of the year sale.  Not since my maternity pants days have I experienced anything more comfortable.  Conclusion - I like things wrapped snuggly around my belly and waist.  I have been wearing these jeans as if they were rented (past two days actually) with limited days.

Too good not to share find - 

Faux Leather booties from Forever 21.  About $30.  Can't find them anymore online but still many very cute booties on the site.  In person, they don't look at all cheap and are quite comfy.  The silver detail on the tip reminds me of my beloved Gucci Boots.

I... think... that's... all...