These days, I'm in a perpetual state of anxiety and doubt. Anxious that my huge test is coming up, doubt that I can do well. Then today, looking for distractions, I opened my notebook of favorite quotes and book excerpts though the years. I came across "Desiderata". I read it out loud, and by the end, there were tears in my eyes. I had forgotten how many phrases from this short poem had stayed with me through the years, how many quotes have circulated and surfaced in my brain times and again. Then today, I realized that despite it all, I still believe in the words.

"Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass."

"Beyond wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe if unfolding as it should."

So optimistic, so true.

It happened again! I just talked to another classmmate that I have brushed past for two years, but never stopped to talk to. Sitting here at Barnes & Noble, he came over to ask if I'm studying for Step I already (no, of course... I'm reading cookbooks for inspiration). What is it about the end of the year that makes us approach familiar strangers? No wonder people say to live each day as if it were your last... imagine what we could accomplish!

One of the few things that makes me feel like a grown up is going to a real domestic store -- William Sonoma, Pottery Barn, Bombay Furniture… When I buy a dark brown, wooden-grained, oversized square platter, it seems as if I'm tending to the little details in life, such as how its pointed corners, curving abruptly upward, will add a fine touch to my night stand.

And it did.

This morning I bought my first jewelry box. Finally, one place for all the pretty silver and copper that I never wear. All the tiny pendants that hold more nostalgia than accessorizing value. No more opening a million little boxes when I miss my senior ring from high school, or the soft gold loops that are so worn they have becomes angled instead of circular.

This is the end of my second year, the "M" in the "MD". I get exactly 48 hours off then on to Step I. I baked a red velvet cake yesterday, then went to a quaint French Restaurant, all in the company of friends that have defined my second year more than pharmacology or clin path ever could. No more classes, no more exams. Different rotations at different times next year mean a dinner like this last dinner will be few and far in between. But then again, those are the best... absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

11:38 am Saturday morning. My 48 hrs slipping though the hour glass.

I took two finals today and went straight to a spinning class. The anaerobic frenzy of it all squeezed every last memory of the pharm final from my brain. I might have gone into over-drive and some clin path might have poured out as well. Not good. clin pat final is tomorrow.

Whenever people say "that's just life" -- I tear up, inexplicably. Can someone tell me why?

One of my facebook person (old acquaintance?) is a nanny, and I found myself jealous of her getting paid to play with an adorable baby, until I realized that the baby doesn't stay a baby forever, the job probably doesn't pay for health insurance, that I don't even like kids, and the only nanny position I ever want to play is to my own kids.

I had a horrible dream last night, and woke up this morning speed dialing the 100 digit calling card+telephone number to reach my mom in China, only to realize that the 13 hour time difference meant she had already left for her flight to Gui Ling. I'm still underneath an aura so dark that no amount of green tea or peach fresca could lift me out.

I have a theory -- that I have successive nightmares each night. While only a few penetrate my consciousness (or memory), the majority of them subvesively attack my subconscious, putting me in a perpetual state of listlessness.

Or it could be the never-ending pile of notesets... or the immedent danger of Step I... or this coughting/sneezing I can't get rid of that causes my nose to peel despite nonstop scrubbing... or finals... or life, damn it.

I was washing my favorite mug in the sink. And while I was washing it, I was telling myself how much I likes this mug, how I wish I had more than one, how from now on, I will buy all my mugs like it... Before I could even finish that last thought, the mug slipped from my detergent soaked hands and hit the sink, broken in half with little pieces chipping off in all directions.

The saddest part is, my mom is away, so there is no one I could call at this hour to whine about the irony and injustice of it all!

I wonder, the next time I feel anxious, will repeating this help?

"Every hurt he'd ever suffered, every ache he'd ever endured -- it was all as gone as an expired breath. he could not feel agony. he could not feel sadness. His consciousness felt smoky, wisplike, incapable of anything but calm..." - The Five People You Meet in Heaven, M. Albom

When my violin teacher read me this poem over the phone, I stopped pacing in my tiny kitchen mid-step... and didn't move until she finished reading the whole thing. She mailed it to me in a packed envelop along with other clippings; she understands how silly I become over words.

Oh, no -- not ev'n when first we loved,
Wert thou as dear as now thou art;
Thy beauty then my senses moved,
But now thy virtues bind my heart.
What was but Passion's Sigh before,
Has since been turn'd to Reason's vow;
And, though I then might love thee more,
Trust me, I love thee better now.

Although my heart in earlier youth
Might kindle with more wild desire,
Believe me, it has gain'd in truth
Much more than it has lost in fire.
The flame now warms my inmost core,
That then but sparkled o'er my brow,
And, though I seem'd to love thee more,
Yet, oh, I love thee better now.

-- Thomas Moore

I befriended ginger and honey over the weekend, hoping to halt an aching throat right where it belongs-- no where! It worked, I feel better.

I saw Cirque du Soleil- Delirium last Friday night, the best live performance ever. Afterwards I was on a natural high and couldn't stop giggling over the nearly naked, perfectly chiseled men... There was one Asian guy in particular, who had a beautiful face to match the flawless physique. My friend had found her soul mate, and I just wanted to look at him every other day. I did, however, manage enough common sense to hold her back when she wanted to go backstage. Or should I have?! Giving up medical school to become a Cirque du Soleil groupie? mmm... not yet. :)

Blood pressure screening at a local Vietnamese church gave me another chance to attend Catholic Mass on Palm Sunday. I didn't understand a word, but craving faith and inspiration, I went anyways. There is something very humbling about kneeling down, an act that inherently diminishes all pride, all ego. And when a friend lend over to translate for me quotes from the Bible, I felt so abysmally small... Facing imperfection, virtues I may always be without, did not lead to sadness, but a peace so new and rare that I almost didn't recognize it.

Walking away isn't always abandonment, and giving up can be honorable too, don't you think? Is it okay to withdraw the helping hand when faced with the risk of falling into a million pieces yourself?

The spell is broken; I won!!!

It's an opera ticket next month... I actually put in my name for the drawing, then left the room to get coffee b/c I didn't think I would win. On my way back to my room, I thought, I bet Thuy (my friend who wins everything) won... so I went back to class to confirm. It turns out, she DID win, and so did I! :)

One week countdown to Round 2... OMG!!!

My record of never winning anything goes unmarred.

Today was APAMSA's (Asian Pacific American Medical Student Association) first annual rice eating contest. This fuzzy picture was the only action shot I have because once the food-shoving started, I became too caught up in the momentum to stop and take a picture! This is the first time I witnessed an eating contest in person and I have to say, there is an energy there unlike any other. Must admit, craziness is fun to watch. (J.L. is the surprising winner)

The winners drew raffle tickets... no P.F. Chang's for me. :(

Two medical students spend an entire hour in a hospital, involving many a people/operator/staff, trying to find the internal medicine resident on call. NO ONE could point them in the right direction! Oh the inefficiencies of the real world... it's a marvel anything gets done. You would think it's the medical students, but I swear, it's not!

I called him a bastard, but it was only half-hearted. The truth is, I don't care anymore. Finally, the naive innocent heroine abandons the undeserving illusion of a man, that is what I call modern day romance. Nothing can get me down after going to the one restaurant I've always wanted to go -- Emeril's! Oh happiness, why can't you stay for good.

I had to modulate myself all weekend in order to match a friend's downcast mood... it's sad but sometimes happiness isn't contagious, but could potentially annoy and devastate. Thus, I will only say here that this past weekend was so fulfilling that I am nothing short of depressed to be back in NO, away from my hometown.

I don't know Shreveport like the back of hand; I never have. There are, however, enough memories around enough corners to induce unexpected nostalgia; enough of a past to marvel at all the changes and things that never change; and just enough people that think of me to complete a bittersweet return. It turns out, I have a whole new set of roots not so far away.

The only thing missing from Mrs. Teague's house is the sound of her dog splattering through the rooms, howling because my arrival always promised a "chewie". I didn't mention that to her; I am sure she notices his absence everyday. It seems that nothing has left their assigned space in the last 5 years-- much to her dismay, much to my comfort. The more everything around me enticed to pull me back in time, the more I latched onto the present. Many things have stayed the same -- but not she, not I.

Me: you have to find something to look forward to.
B.B.: like what?
Me: like the trip this weekend, like the birthday dinner next week, like the spring break coming up.
B.B.: what else?
Me: life -- taking an unexpected turn.

***

Leaving for my old hometown in a couple of hours, I'm going to take pictures of gas stations and red lights. I'm going to see my violin teacher that I haven't seen in many many years. She once told me that no matter how much time passes, we would never grow apart. At the time, either us realized "how much time" would be this much time.

Last night I was giving advice to a friend, and realized that I sounded just like my dad, down to the fluctuation in tone. I hope she found the same comfort in my words that I always do in his.

This weekend will fly by sooo fast, and before I know it, I'll be back in this same seat, wondering where all the time went.

Yesterday in the elevator, I finally talked to the old Chinese lady with the baby stroller. An ever so soft "ni hao" barely left my mouth, when she expounded onto what is a rather shy greeting with -- are you chinese, where are you from, is this elevator going to the ground floor? And I, returning so swiftly to my Chinese roots, was ever so polite. I answered all her questions, punched the right floor for her, talked to the baby in the stroller, and walked out of that elevator feeling ridiculously happy to speak Chinese to a total stranger.

Linda Lee -- any hope you might revive your blog?
Me -- but I feel like a trespasser last time I went.

I wish for snow, the kind that will splatter on my new red coat. I wish for the familiar voices of friends who squeal “a new red coat!” I wish I walked outside for more than 5 seconds a day so I can feel the sun (the rain, the wind, the UV rays) on my face. I wish the speeches and pep-talks I give people penetrated my heart as easily as it penetrated my head… I wish it were easier to discern between the two. I wish I knew which tears are reflexive, which are responsive, which are 50/50, which are brave, which are weak, which I can trust, and which should be urgently wiped away.

I wish everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.

Blogging is most fun when I don't have time to blog, thus why two weeks have elapsed since my last test and despite the myriad of life-altering events that happened, I am just now updating.

Note to self, don't sprinkle powdered cinnamon into iced latte, it will never melt, but end up between my teeth. Here I am, sitting in class, checking in my little mirror between every sip.

Another giant leap for Tian! You should all be proud. I confronted a past ghost with one sweep of a confession, and while the wound is still there (much to my impatience), I think time will take care of the rest. This is unfamiliar territory for me, leaving the door ajar after saying goodbye. I only hope my inability to completely turn my back on a rather special friendship is a step towards maturity and bravery, instead of sloppy indecisiveness. Besides, as Maria said, should I find myself diverging, it's never too late for plan B.

Maybe someday I can say more, spinning in a retrospective insight. But right now, there is too much hurt too close by. I am proud of myself for one thing -- I would never settle for second-rate affection, from anyone!

Another mirror check.

First episode of Grey's Anatomy Season 3 did not disappoint, can't wait for next Thursday.

I had to tell my self stop, out loud, to close the Anthropologie.com website. I wish I could leap onto the page and touch each and every one of those beautiful garments, screaming to be loved. I don't have time to look at clothes I can't afford, and I don't have time to fool myself into thinking I can afford them. I don't even have time to type these sentences. I can't wait for the end of tests. It's like waiting... to exhale. :)